Thursday, April 29, 2010

Accept No Substitutes

So, the other day, my buddy and I were solving the world's problems (and a couple of our own that we'd brought with us) over some brewed hops and barley, at a local watering-hole. Neither of us was particularly hungry, but I was sorta casually scanning the Appetizer card, just to see if anything appealed to me, when I espied an entry for something called 'Breast Substitutes'.

Ummmmm. . . Huh?

Neither of us had ever seen anything like that on a menu before, nor could we quite imagine what they might be (nor were we particularly inclined to ask the sweet young blonde who was waiting on our table). Nor could we quite imagine why anyone would even want a 'substitute' for such things.

But it's worth noting, I suppose, that at $3.00, they are rather considerably less costly than the real item. . .

But still. . .


Spring has sprung, the grass is riz. . . and the trees are budding, filling the air with pollen, causing eyes to itch, and sinuses to run. Which is a pain, but whatcha gonna do?

6F, who is not an allergy sufferer, was noticing that 5M (who is sort-of the 'Allergy Avatar' of our family) was more sneezy than normal, and wondering why. I was explaining that it was because of his allergy to pollen (which I also have, although not quite as acutely as he does) - that all of those lovely green buds adorning the trees are spewing out prodigious quantities of pollen which invisibly fills the air, so that we're all sort-of swimming in a sea of pollen, which irritates the eyes and sinuses of all of us allergy sufferers.

"You know," 5M chimed in, helpfully, "pollen is kinda like tree sperm, isn't it?"

Which, OK, true enough, but. . . I dunno, taken in the context of 'swimming in a sea' of it, sorta made my skin wanna crawl. . .


  1. The fact that I seem to have developed adult onset allergies and the neighbors out mowing every night while their budding trees swirl around puts me into fits AND that I'll now only be able to think of it all as tree sperm means I'll probably have this headache a bit longer!

  2. all i can say is "accept no substitutes." just ain't right.

    and 5m is some sort of genius! that's the sort of weird observation my son might make. i love it. bwahahahaha.

  3. Yep... I imagine that Breast Substitutes might be one of the odder things to ever see on a menu... I think I would've had to have asked. Curious like kitty, I am.

  4. faDKoG - Aw, sorry I contributed to yer headache. Along with all those horny trees. . .

    Lime - See, that's what I'm sayin'. 'Accept No Substitutes' has sorta become Jen's-and-my motto. . .

    And you know I'm very proud of my son. . .

    Flutter - It was pretty odd. . . (if I had to guess, I'd suppose it was some kinda chicken sump'n-sump'n; but beyond that - ???)

    See, it would've been totally awkward for a couple of gray-haired old guys to get all 'curious' with our cute, college-age waitress. We briefly considered going up to ask the (male) bartender, but then our beer came, and we, uh, got distracted. . .

  5. Like FADKOG, I believe I'm also suffering from adult onset allergies, blowing my nose all morning long.

    I have no idea about those breast subs. Were they bbq'd?

  6. My allergies have always been bad since childhood, and the "experts" say this will be the worse year with high pollen counts.

    "Swimming in a sea of tree sperm?" So many things could be said about that - including walking into a bar that serves tall men. But I'll hold my tongue and be good.

  7. I count myself lucky that my allergies have gotten *better* as I've gotten older; I used to suffer horribly, but now, I barely sneeze, most years. (Probably just jinxed that, huh??)

    I think I'd have had to ask, about the substitute breast; can you phone the place anonymously and just ask??

  8. Cocotte - I never had any allergies until I was in my mid/late 20s. . .

    Other than suspecting that the 'breasts' in question were chicken, I have no idea what they were, or how they were prepared. . . Abbreviating it as 'breast subs' sorta points in a different direction, which might make some sense. . .

    Michelle - I've heard that, too. Altho, so far, it's mostly just been itchy eyes for me, which ain't so bad. It's the faucet-nose that gets really annoying. . .

    And, uh, thanks for 'being good'; we try to run a family-friendly blog around here. . . ;)

    Sailor - I had a couple years of shots, back when I was in my 30s, and that seems to have helped some.

    I like the anonymous phone call idea; altho, Lord knows bartenders have enough to deal with from strange anonymous phone calls. So long as I don't ask if he's got Prince Albert in the can, I s'pose. . .