I came across this today. Coming, as it does, in the aftermath of the Newtown tragedy, and in the wake of yesterday's post, it resonates with some of our experience. We've never feared for our lives with any of our kids, but we do understand what it's like to wonder what your kid is gonna do next, and what's gonna set him off this time? And to feel utterly helpless to do anything about it.
Friends of ours have dealt with something even closer to what Ms. Long describes - a grown son (brilliant, by the way; can't a few of these guys be dolts?) who would fly into rages and berate the stupidity of his parents, and any other authority figure at hand, and vandalize their house. He physically attacked his father (than whom he is considerably bigger) at least once, but thankfully, not with a weapon. But it's not a given that he never would.
I also understand the isolation that Ms. Long describes. I know another family whose mentally-ill son brought them unsolicited comments from 'friends', telling them what terrible parents they were, and that their son's deeds (which were suitably awful) were chargeable directly to their parental account. Thankfully, no-one has ever been quite so brash with us (frankly, it's doubtful anyone would say anything to us that we haven't already said to ourselves), and our children's misdeeds haven't landed them (or us) in the headlines (at least, not so far). But we have experienced some of our friendships becoming more 'distant' as doubts about our parental competence came to seem more plausible. (One of our friends did think it might be helpful to point out to us that "some people tell their children what to do, and they do it." Just, you know, in case we were wondering.)
As I've often said before, Jen and I have not been perfect parents (and if any of you have been, feel free to go ahead and chuck the first stone our way). But we've tried to do the best we could, and even so, our hearts have been broken. I think that might be one of the reasons that Newtown is hitting me so hard; I have some distant, dim idea of what it might have been like to be Adam Lanza's parents. . .
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This thing has gone viral, probably because pretty much EVERYONE knows someone who is in that mother's position....and yes, I know a mom whose story is parallels hers. Two sons, the younger one has no issues. The older one, good Lord. She's gotten diagnoses similar to the blog account, everything form ADHD to oppositional/defiance to bipolar, etc. Has tried tons of meds, nothing has worked. The school basically threw up their hands (and it's my school system, so I know the personnel involved, and they would not throw up their hands unless they indeed had tried everything). The mom is now homeschooling him (he's high school age). She gets no breaks. Her life is basically a nightmare everyday, never knowing when he will strike out.
ReplyDeletePeople cry out that we need to throw more money into mental health, but the thing is, the mother I know has gotten all the services she could access. It's the mental health system that doesn't know what to do for her!
I would be the last one to throw stones. I know a family or two where the parents may just be perfect. But then that may just be an accident of chemistry.
ReplyDeleteThank you
ReplyDeleteThere can be nothing more distressing for a parent than needing help for a child you love and not being able to find it anywhere. The article you linked to is very moving -- thanks for posting it. People need to realize that we all have a stake in the issue of mental health -- it affects everybody one way or another. It's time to look deeper than the end of the pointed finger of blame...
ReplyDeleteAs parents we can lay down the proper foundation and the right path, but those darn children just seem to find their own route through life. I'm quite sure that your children were raised with love and sound advice. It's not your fault if they don't listen all the time. Have a Great Holiday Craig.....G
ReplyDeleteBijoux - Mental illness is mysterious stuff; it comes in all kinds of shapes and degrees, and most of the time, we don't even know where it comes from, or what causes it. Sometimes, I think almost all of us have some form of mental illness going on at one time or another, almost like catching a cold. . .
ReplyDeleteIt's not really the fault of 'The Mental Health System' that they don't know what to do; the human soul/psyche just defies simplistic explanations. If anything is blameworthy, it's the 'overselling' of psycho-science, as if our minds were as predictable and well-understood as, say, physics. Our souls aren't machines, where we just need to turn the right dials to make 'em run right. . .
But that's not much help for the parents whose kid is teetering on the edge. . .
Skip - So, we just have to keep those few parents away from the stones; much more manageable. . .
Sailor - You are most welcome. . .
Broad - I recently saw an article on a major news website in which the author said, pretty much straight out, that he didn't want to hear any more 'regrets' from, say, James Holmes' (the Colorado theater shooter's) parents, since, if they had done their job as parents, the tragedy would never have happened, and the victims would still be alive today. Nice.
But it is real handy to think that people are so predictably malleable. . .
G-Man - Thank you; I'm sure there's no dearth of things we could have done better. But I also know that worse parents than us have really great kids.
As my Eastern Orthodox friends like to say - "Eez Meestery. . ."
My daughter's psychology book states that 48% of people could be diagnosed with a mental disorder from the DSM-IV at some point in their lives. Probably higher.
ReplyDeleteI read Ms. Long's post yesterday, as well. All I can say is I'm SUPREMELY grateful and thankful I didn't have to live with those issues. I weep for those parents that do.
ReplyDelete"If anything is blameworthy, it's the 'overselling' of psycho-science" - truer were have seldom been expressed. Truth is that the marvelous brain is a mysterious thing and to date those who have successfully created accepted treatments and philosophies have been predominantly simplistic quacks who didn't know their own limitations let alone their professional limitations.
ReplyDeleteWait, does that sound abusive? Crap, I was going for malicious demeaning and rotten.
With a physical ailment we now have ways to peer inside the body and search out the problem, yet there are still a vast number that do not have answers. You can not peer into the mind in the same manner, what chance is there of truly understanding what is going on let alone figuring out what can be done?
As I learn about my family history I have discovered multiple instances of mental instability in each generation. Few diagnosed and almost none positively treated/managed ...
Topping that off, I've been at ground zero for 3 melt-downs of folks unrelated to me. One of which was potentially life-threatening.
ain't it swell to have folks who really don't know the deal tell you how it is? I have a close friend who is currently dealing with a mentally ill child. it's heartbreaking to watch the pain she suffers at not knowing what the future holds or what exactly to do.
ReplyDeleteBiljoux - 48%, huh? I guess I agree - it's probably higher. . .
ReplyDeleteBut then, the flip side is, that we tend to think of mental illness as a more-or-less 'permanent' thing, like 'once crazy, always crazy', and I don't think that's true, either. Like any other illness, people can recover, and learn how to live constructively, even if they don't completely recover. . . (think, A Beautiful Mind. . .)
I had an odd experience, several years ago, when our kid-stress was near its peak. I was sitting by myself one day, feeling like it was just all too much for me to handle, when the thought came to me, that, if I wanted, I could just say, 'the hell with it', and go crazy (uh, so to speak) - just give in and have a nervous breakdown, or whatever. Or, I could step back and try to keep things together. My choice. It was the weirdest thing, the thought that, as I sat there, I could choose whether or not to go nuts. And going crazy was an attractive option, in its own way, but I thought that it would be more responsible, and better for my family, if I declined the opportunity, so I did. . .
I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced anything like that?
Buck - It's no damn fun, I'll tell ya. . . And, like I said, our experience has been. . . really minor, compared with what Ms. Long, and others, go through. . .
Xavier - I read a book many years ago that had some really insightful things to say about the pretentions of psychology to be a new 'secular/scientific religion' (Paul Vitz, Psychology As Religion). . .
But yes - minds/souls simply do not admit of the kind of 'predictive certainty' that physics and chemistry do. But because they can claim the title of 'Science', people think they do. . .
Lime - A big part of it is, it takes a while before you even allow yourself to admit that mental illness could even be playing a role in the first place (stigma, and all that, you know). So you try all the standard 'discipline' and 'behavior modification' stuff, and when it doesn't work. . . then what?
And if Bijoux's textbook is right, then there could be a WHOLE lot more people dealing with mental illness in one form or another, at one time or another, than anyone wants to believe. . .
"I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced anything like that?"
ReplyDeleteUm, yes. Been there. You tell me which choice I made, cause some days I wonder ....
I have a cousin who's wife is a career psycho(logist) so he decided to get his counseling degree so they could practice together. He shared with me some of the material he was studying. Pure trash, bleeding heart nonsensical babble. These texts acted, as you say, like this was science as opposed to theories under study. Reading deeper they even admitted that they were conducting live experiments to better understand their 'subjects'. Wasn't that sort of thing supposed to be illegal?
Well, see, that's the conceit of the culture we live in. 'Science' is taken as infallible knowledge, and the only infallible knowledge. So the heat is on to claim the mantle of 'science' for one's ideas. . . And once you get it, anything goes. . .
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to remember sometimes that these people who commit despicable acts of violence are, at their core, beings of immense value and worth who are many times profoundly "broken". A tragedy on so many levels
ReplyDeleteFlutter - You've hit on one of the deep mysteries of our human nature, right there, my friend. . .
ReplyDeleteI recall the gentleman who was called to testify at the trial of Adolf Eichmann, who collapsed when he saw Eichmann sitting in the dock, at the realization that Eichmann, who he'd thought of as a monster, was a man, just like he was. . .